Life-long Journey

I've had a problem with food almost my whole life. I remember it started around when I was around nine years old. I was constantly hungry. And I ate anything. Naturally I started gaining weight and I also became very self-conscious. I started to secretly diet, the way I saw adult do it.

I lost weight and thought I was happy. But still I was constantly hungry.

Fast-forward 20 years of binge eating and dieting. During those years my weight has fluctuated dramatically - I've weighed anything from 50 kg to 110 kg. I don't dare to think what damage I've caused my body by doing that.

I always felt helpless. I have had so many revelations for why I overeat, but the revelations never changed my actions. I did it in a seemingly unconscious matter. As if someone or something else is made me do it. I got into this mode, when I just didn't care about anything. I didn't feel anything. But the mystery is - I wanted to feel. I want to feel everything, the good and the bad. The dark and the light.

But all these years of struggle have thought me something important, and I hope this could be of help to someone with similiar problems - be it a constant battle for weight loss or basically anyone with any kind of an eating disorder.

Let go of thinking it is something else who does this to you. It is only you. It is your choice alone if you overeat, binge or abuse food in any other way. No matter what kind of trauma lies beneath. The easy way out is to say you're helpless and just submit yourself. As soon as you admit you are NOT helpless, but a being with the power to make your own choices - you are on the path to recovery.

Make those choices from a place of love.

I want to add, it is also crucial to change your diet to a healthy one on the road to recovery to nourish your body and mind. For me leaving out all animal products and becoming a 100 % vegan made such a huge difference in the state of my mental clarity, that I was able to reach through the dark cloud that had hovered over me for more than 20 years.

I don't know what this blog will evolve to.

My name's Liana. I was born in Mandurah. My childhood was idyllic. It all seems like a hazy dream. My mother's warm smile. The tuckeroo tree on our backyard with its orange berries. And the Sun. There was always the Sun.

I grew up, but not really. Part of me is still there, in that hazy dream.